I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
