you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
