barbara walters just said penis...
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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