You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
