If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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