did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
