so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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