There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
