The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
