At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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