Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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