New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
