Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
