you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
