Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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