You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
