There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
