New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
