Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
