he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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