Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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