I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
