Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
