My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
