and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
