i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
