me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
