If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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