He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
