booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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