Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
