Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
