mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
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