Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
