You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
mondays should just be called national damage control day
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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