we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Randomize
