I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
