I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Ladies don't puke and tell
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
