I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
