haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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