Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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