oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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