Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
