"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
