He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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