I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
