you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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