yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i can't believe i had my finger in that
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
