sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
