Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
