During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
