I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
