FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
